But try to focus your anger on the perpetrator, not your wife.”īeechel explains that the survivor “has this pot of rage inside from her childhood” that can be triggered in any number of unexpected ways. The person you’ve turned to for affection isn’t available anymore. Your relationship has been turned upside down. I can’t take it, and I’m getting to the point where I won’t take it.”īeechel tells the group, “It’s OK to be angry. George, whose wife is an incest victim, adds: “Where do you start drawing the line? I’m not going to be punished for someone else’s actions. “After a while, you feel like you’re the perpetrator,” Tim says. Some reluctantly admit that it’s hard to feel compassion because their mate often sees them as a “safe target” for anger that should be directed at the abuser. Most of the men in Beechel’s support group struggle with guilt because they don’t think they are giving enough. If you can develop an attitude of patience, while continuing to affirm your own needs and desires for your relationship, you will offer the survivor support without selling yourself short.”Īs Beechel puts it, the partner has to be able to “get out of his own hurt” so that he can respond to the survivor’s pain, but shouldn’t give so much that he becomes a candidate for sainthood.
In “Allies in Healing,” a book Beechel recommends for partners of survivors, sexual abuse expert Laura Davis points out that the long-term effects of sexual abuse can be overcome when the desire to heal “is met with information, skilled support and a safe environment.”īut, she cautions partners: “Healing is slow, and the changes never seem quick enough. However, he adds, he’s seen many marriages grow stronger when a survivor of sexual abuse gets help and a partner remains committed long enough to see the results. Beechel acknowledges that some marriages are bound to fall apart when one partner is unable to meet the needs of the other.
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